Home Now
by chimaera2
Summary: My first attempt at a J/I songfic...please R/R, guys, I'll take ANY criticism!


"Home Now" A sappy J/I songfic Don't own 'em, but I wish I owned at least Sark. Notes: I was thinking about Passage (pt I and II) and listening to "Home Now" by No Doubt when my muse came up and hit me. Hard. With a chair. And I think it told me that I needed to do another songfic to "Bathwater," but that's a different story. So any references to a mission are of course, relevant to what happened in the episodes. The song comes from No Doubt's "Return of Saturn".might make a good companion to reading.if someone reads this. Slight spoilers of Passage pt I and II. Just trying to be careful (oh, stop rambling!) Also, it's not been betaed. So any spelling/grammatical errors are my own fault.My muse told me I couldn't wait to find a beta.  
  
I'm hanging out with me  
  
And you're a vacant chair A chosen compromise This space we rarely share  
  
When I walked out of that cell with my daughter and Irina by my side, I realized this mission would be both heaven and hell for me. The thought of Irina and I together in the outside world with our daughter brought back a barrage of birthday parties, late night meals, and movies together; the things normal families did together.  
  
And if you lived here you'd be home now  
  
Coming home to my wife and daughter back then was.for lack of a better word, amazing. Laura would cook either little Sydney's or my favorite meals and she would set out wine for us to enjoy while we ate. Sydney would chatter about her day and share with us the latest picture she had drawn. Laura and I listened, dazzled by this life we had created together.  
  
So what you givin' up for me?  
  
And what shall I give up for you? Aimless expectations passing by  
  
When I found out Laura was not my loving wife and she had not died, but that she was Irina Derevko, an agent of the KGB, I wished myself dead. I felt cheated, for sure, but more than anything, scared. Sydney was growing into a beautiful young woman; she was so much like Laura, an avid reader, intelligent.If Laura Bristow never existed, who did Sydney resemble? Was she like Irina Derevko?  
  
If you lived here, you'd be home now  
  
If you lived here, you'd be home now  
  
Laura and I would tuck Sydney into bed together. Laura would read a bedtime story aloud, and the sound of her voice and the deep brown eyes of our daughter, who listened eagerly, would captivate me. Sydney would beg for more stories, and Laura and I would laugh, then take another book off the shelf beside her bed.  
  
And to make it real  
  
I need to have you here I need to have you I need to hold you  
  
When Irina kissed me during the mission, I was shocked. Every fiber of my being told me this was wrong.but, then, why did it feel so right? It took all I had in me not to kiss her back, to pay no attention to who was watching and what Sydney would think. Even after we parted, I still felt her lips upon mine. And for the first time since Irina reentered my life, I realized I missed that feeling.  
  
Barren wasted heart  
  
Neglect of normalcy And if you lived here, you'd be home now Oh if you lived here, you'd be home now  
  
I know which one of Sydney's pictures is my favorite. It's a drawing that I still have, one of Laura, herself, and me at the park, feeding the ducks at the lake. Above her sketch, Sydney wrote, "I love my mommy and daddy." I keep that picture in my desk at home-I'd never dream of taking it to SD- 6, for fear it would be damaged or destroyed. When Laura did, Sydney stopped drawing.  
  
And to make it real  
  
I need to have you here I need to have you It can't be sincere Unless you spend time here I need to see you.  
  
When Sydney was injured, my worst fears surfaced, although I doubt Irina or Sydney saw them. I could see my child, the only thing I have left in my life dying before my eyes. She quickly reassured us it was just a scrape, but I still worried, more than I ever had when she was out on a mission.probably more than Agent Vaughn did when Sydney was outside of LA. Yes, I can see the feelings they share. Irina and I cared for our daughter, then. Just like we did when she fell off her bike and scraped her knees. And after we relived the toaster incident on the train, I saw Laura again, with us. There was still hope.  
  
Supervision is what I need  
  
Some consistence, tangibility Some casual light days Part of the furniture I want to take you for granted And see you regular  
  
As I saw Irina kiss Cuvee in the prison, I felt as if Laura had been ripped away for me again. I felt the desolation.who am I kidding, I could taste it. Sydney cried, just as she had when Laura died the first time. And for the second time in my life, I felt the painful urge to cry. But Sydney still needed me.  
  
So what you givin' up for me?  
  
And what shall I give up for you? The separation's tired, it's been too long  
  
It killed me to tell Sydney that Laura was not going to come home ever again, and that Laura was in a place where she would be happy. "Daddy, I thought she was happy with us." Those beautiful eyes were red and overflowing with tears. God, I had to explain to the only piece of Laura I had left that, yes, Mommy was happy with us, but in Heaven, where she was going to stay, she wouldn't hurt either. "Did she hurt with us? I want my mommy! I don't want her to forget me! Daddy, will you go away too? Will you leave me like Mommy, so you'll be happy and you won't hurt?" The worst part was, I couldn't answer her question.  
  
And to make it real  
  
I need to have you here I need to have you It can't be sincere Unless you spend time here I need to see you I need you.  
  
The mission's over, but I'm left with remorse and a sense of wanting. I'm disappointed because the time we spent together as a family, a powerful fighting family, is over. That mission made me realize that I've missed that togetherness since Laura died. It made me realize that I still feel a connection to Laura through Irina. And now, more than ever, I need her here. I think I love Irina.  
  
Come home now 


End file.
